Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.  The
other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating
me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.  I am very sorry
about this.  Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort.  Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball!  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. Books are not chew toys.
Just 'cause it is vertical, you don't have to whiz on it...  :-(

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same
door I entered.  In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years,
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt.  I
cannot stress this enough.  It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door..

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1.  They live here.  You don't.
2.  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3.  I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4.  To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5.  Dogs and cats are better than kids.  They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.

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